Here, let me show you a dead spot on my lawn.

Sinking to new lows, the blog now has photos of dead grass. (This is time you will never get back.) ((I'm so sorry.))
Sinking to new lows, the blog now has photos of dead grass. (This is time you will never get back.) ((I’m so sorry.))

Here’s another.

The excitement continues...
The excitement continues…

Giant brown dead spots, courtesy of my pride and vanity. A few weeks ago a lawn company representative stopped by and gently pointed out that my lawn looks… oh… awful. It doesn’t help that the neighbors on both sides of us paid for gorgeous sod and sprinkling systems so their lawns look like golf courses.

Except for one couple across the street who care even less about their lawn than we do, we’re the black sheep of the grass community on this street. But listen, I have other things to do. I don’t have time to be obsessing over the lawn.

But the lawn company guy made me really look at my neglect, and then in a fit of vanity I went out and bought a bag of lawn fertilizer and applied it to the grass.

I did not read the directions. Not all the way, at least.

Because who reads the directions on a bag of nitrogen? It’s basically chicken poop in an easily carried container. I read this much: “Apply to dry grass…blah, blah, blah…lasts for three months.”

Two days later I mentioned the fertilizer to our friend and neighbor Josh, who lives on the next street up and has a lawn that makes golf courses look slovenly. Josh’s lawn is lush and a freakish shade of green, like angels come and tend to it at night. He looked at me and said, “You know you need to water that, right? It’ll burn your lawn.”

Luckily we were on a bus at the moment, bouncing our way down I-94 with a herd of 4th graders headed to a field trip. We were shouting at each other over the open windows and the hyper children, so I didn’t actually have to come up with a coherent answer.

Of course I didn’t know that, because I didn’t read that part of the directions.

And now my lawn looks worse than before.

I don’t know if this is a lesson in humility or reading the directions, but take your pick. Apply whatever lesson you need to learn.

And if the lawn guy comes knocking, just plug your ears and refuse him an audience.

Here, let me leave you with a better photo. If anyone knows what kind of flower this is, I'd dearly love to be reminded of what I planted.
Here, let me leave you with a better photo. If anyone knows what kind of flower this is, I’d dearly love to be reminded of what I planted.


12 Comments on Vanity: Killing Lawns Everywhere

  1. David
    May 28, 2015 at 4:34 pm (3 years ago)

    Thanks Jessie! Two hours ago I spread ‘weed and feed’ on our lawn! But I did so expecting overnight rain. If the rain doesn’t come then I’ll be out there with the hosepipe in the morning.

  2. cherifields
    May 28, 2015 at 5:11 pm (3 years ago)

    It’s a Clementine….
    LOL! Sigh, if only things were simpler.
    I like our neighborhood. If we manage to mow every other week and have a couple flowers, we’re doing great.
    Part of why my parents are so happy in their new home is the previous owners put in gravel and perennials through most of the front yard, so their front garden looks better than most of the neighborhood without even trying.
    So, I guess that means you should think about moving again. 😀

  3. Jessie Clemence
    May 28, 2015 at 6:08 pm (3 years ago)

    I’m on a slow march to replace all the grass with perennials. I’m doing it in bits so Eric and the neighbors don’t notice!

  4. Jessie Clemence
    May 28, 2015 at 6:09 pm (3 years ago)

    We did get a lot of rain the last two days, and things are looking a little less bleak out there. There’s a little bit more green to distract from the dead parts.

  5. wineandhistory
    May 28, 2015 at 10:20 pm (3 years ago)

    My lawn is mostly moss and bare ground. You actually have grass! And the perennial is a columbine.

  6. David
    May 29, 2015 at 2:26 am (3 years ago)

    You will be pleased to know that it is raining this morning – activating my weed and feed, and hopefully making the grass greener and killing off all of those nasty weeds! There is only one problem. When I looked out of the back door I saw John’s trainers sitting out there in the rain. Marilyn sprayed them last night to try and kill the smell, but sadly left them on top of the recycling bin. So now we have smelly wet trainers. But the grass will be fine!

  7. Jessie Clemence
    May 29, 2015 at 8:46 am (3 years ago)

    Thanks! I wonder why that one is doing so well and the other three I planted are half dead. At least now I know what to look up in a reference book. 🙂

  8. Jessie Clemence
    May 29, 2015 at 8:47 am (3 years ago)

    Smelly wet trainers– what a glorious thing to have. Maybe he could keep them outside for a few days.

  9. David
    May 29, 2015 at 8:48 am (3 years ago)

    His sister is home until Sunday. It might be safer if he stayed outside for a few days (with the trainers).

  10. cherifields
    May 29, 2015 at 1:05 pm (3 years ago)

    Good for you!

    May 29, 2015 at 7:12 pm (3 years ago)

    Uggh, lawns. You know me and them. If I had time, I would take a pic of mine so you could see the brown spots and feel better. A sprinkler system is on the lottery list.

  12. Jessie Clemence
    May 29, 2015 at 8:33 pm (3 years ago)

    I’m thinking of getting a small flock of chickens and a goat. Between the manure and the constant eating, we’d never have to mow again!