You, the dear reader, might find yourself stressed today. You might find yourself on the verge of a little breakdown, up to your neck in difficulty and strife. You might be wishing for a calm life and wondering how to find one.
I, the blogger, am here to solve all your problems, as I personally live a completely calm and chaos-free life. Free of charge, I’d like to share my tips with you. I promise if you follow these steps, your life will be as calm as sleeping lamb:
- Do not own a cat. Seriously, cat ownership is the exact opposite of calm. Cat owners spend most of their lives wandering around the house, seeking bodily fluids deposited by the feline. Save yourself the hassle and be kitty-free.
- Do not have children. If you simply must have children, limit yourself to one. Children will cause you to have discussions about poop, multiple times a day, for decades. This is upsetting. Children also cost you money and use up all your good napping time. In addition, they will eventually have friends who are also children, thus doubling your not-calmness. You might be coerced by a child to host a slumber party at your very own domicile. Worst idea ever, if your goal in life is to be chaos-free.
- Do not have neighbors or involve yourself in any situation where other people are unlike yourself. Try to steer clear of any place where you are forced to have conversations where you don’t care or disagree.
- Do not have any religious beliefs whatsoever. Religious beliefs make you a weirdo. The Supreme Court might make a decision that upsets your entire understanding of your nation, and then social media will violently point out that 49% of your friend are crazy one direction, 49% are crazy in the other direction, and you have exactly two friends who have any sense. This will be upsetting.
- Speaking of religious beliefs, stay far away from Jesus if you want a calm life. What with his insistence on sacrifice, loving others, and sold-out devotion to God, he really rocks a lot of boats. He even said it himself: “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (Matthew 10:34)
- If you insist on having religious beliefs, make sure you stick to them with fervor. Make sure you know all the rules and the traditions and enforce them. You will also want to stay far, far, faaaaaarrrrr away from Jesus, what with his grace and heartbreaking concern for lost souls. Stick to your rules and order, and make sure you have a group of friends who are equally devoted to your religious beliefs. There’s safety and blindness in numbers, don’t forget. Avoid all reading of the Bible in context, as it might just point you to Christ’s grace and unending desire for God’s glory to be represented in His people.
- Do not try anything big. Do not attempt even the smallest thing that is outside your comfort zone. In fact, when faced with a new possibility ask yourself this question: “If I do this thing, will I be able to be at home from 7-10pm every night, watching my favorite television programs?” If the option presenting itself (going to college, becoming a missionary, having children, or serving at your church) will interfere with your butt being on your couch during prime television hours, this will cause you discomfort. Avoid it and buy an extra big bag of Cheetos.
So, to summarize– a calm and chaos-free life is possible. It’s close at hand. You just have to make sure you choose carefully, never making a decision that will require anything from you. Go with the flow, don’t make waves, and above all, protect your convenience and comfort.
And let me know how it all works out for you…